Secret Ingredient
by MysticSpiritus
Summary: Yuffie knows how to cook and she can prove it with her "special" brownies. Now Cloud is seeing things in the toaster oven, Reeve has the munchies, and Reno misspells the word 'country'. Happy Birthday, Marlene.


_Mystic: Okay, okay. Let me pry myself away from the on-going angst of Kuja/Hilda from FFIX (so. much. tension! so. much. torrid sex!) to jump back on the FFVII bandwagon. I miss the old VLR forums. I miss you ladies! With that said, I bring you ..._

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**Secret Ingredient**

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Yuffie Kisaragi did, in fact, know how to use an oven.

She wasn't a master at the thing like Tifa. The barmaid could pour and scoop blindfolded, with one hand tied behind her back (for which Reno would then whoop and holler and grin like a pervert), and still turn out a marvelous casserole dish worthy of any women's worker movement while menfolk went to war. Children would get real hot chocolate afterwards (no packet with tiny marshmallows here), with real vanilla extract, while adults were granted access of vanilla vodka. (Again, Reno would whoop and holler and make the comment of "food porn" which, in turn, would make Tifa smack him even though everyone knew he liked it when she was playfully violent.)

But back to Yuffie.

Yuffie had to follow a recipe exactly and could not take her eyes off the thing for one moment, but the princess proved she could both follow directions and take care of herself when push came to shove. (Reeve didn't approve of all the pushing and shoving in the kitchen, but it got the job done and he didn't go hungry the first time he ever spent the night with her.)

And, as Yuffie remembers, that night was totally awesome. He didn't even complain about her use of instant coffee compared to his one-touch, one-cup serving dealios. She hated those fancy things; they always blew smoke in her direction. (As for what happened that night, one would have to consult Yuffie's diary that explained everything in explicit detail - with pictures.)

Today though, the princess ninja rested her elbows on her countertop and glanced at her late mother's recipe card for traditional Kalm brownies. Obviously a far cry from the typical Wutaiin dessert of green tea ice cream, but her mother had a sweet tooth (from what dear old dad said anyway) and collected various treats from all around Gaia. Godo especially liked fruit cobblers, but Yuffie clearly remembered the brownies. Rich, chocolate-y, so sinfully sweet and nutty that one needed confession afterward from the old Wutaiin priests.

All of the ingredients and bowls required waited patiently by the oven. After preheating said device to the desired temperature, Yuffie began her baking experience. Mix, stir, pour, sprinkle with extra chocolate chips and give it a swirl with peanut butter. Hm, maybe the Turkey had a point with the term "food porn". It needed to be censored like some of those college girl shows on television.

About forty-five minutes later, not one but two pans of brownies rested on wire racks to cool. Her entire apartment smelled like heaven and magical unicorns dipped in dark chocolate. As she finished tagging and wrapping the sweet treats, a knock echoed on her door. "It's open!" she yelled.

"Dude, that's not safe." A lanky bloke with red, messy hair strolled on inside, followed by a smaller, more awkward bloke holding a plastic bag filled with potato chip packets. "Any maniac could waltz right in."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Gobble, gobble, Mr. Maniac." She attempted to place a pink bow on one of the pans, but it flopped over useless. "Did you kidnap Denzel or something?"

"He took me to the science fair, Aunt Yuffie," the boy said with a grin. "I have a school project next month and needed ideas."

The bow still flopped, so she gave up. "You took him to a science fair?" Reno, of all people?

"Yeah," he drawled. "We're gonna blow shit up." He and Denzel fistbumped because that's what the cool kids do these days.

"Awwwww, that is so cute. You make such a good step-daddy, Reno."

"Nononono." The Turk never liked that word and made sure to tell anyone who cared. "I'm the epic guy dating his hot mom and if the brat here is cool with it, I sneak him a beer when he's fourteen."

"I'm cool with it."

Yuffie snorted. "Tifa would kill you both."

"Still worth it," said Denzel. "We stopped and got some chips afterwards for Marlene."

"Great, I'm just about done here because this stupid bow is kicking my ass." If a pink bow could blow a raspberry, Yuffie had a suspicion this one would and later kick her in the shins. "Let me get my present for her."

Reno took a lighter from his pocket. "You care if I smoke in here?"

"Do it by the window!" she yelled from the hallway.

Fair enough. He cracked open the nearest window and relaxed a few moments, not particularly worried about the tar coating his lungs. Mako had pretty decent restorative properties, though his regular physician argued otherwise. Denzel wandered over to her meager bookshelf, suddenly interested.

"Wutaiin graphic novels. Sweet."

Yuffie emerged from the hall closet, hair mussed and toting a party bag. "You wanna borrow a few?"

His eyes lit up. "Please?"

"Have at it, kid, just not the ones on the bottom shelf." She fought a giggle. "Those are ... uh, adult rated."

Reno raised an eyebrow. Miss Princess had some pretty wild taste buds. "Wait until you're eighteen, brat," he said to Denzel, whose hand was unnecessarily close to the forbidden bottom shelf. "I've got a certain magazine subscription already waiting for ya."

"I'm cool with that. Thanks, Aunt Yuffie."

"Yeah, yeah."

"And thanks, Reno."

The turk blew out a puff of smoke. "No prob, brat. Just, uh, don't tell your ma."

Yuffie shook her head. Nobody in their circle of _friendsslashformerenemies_ knew quite how Tifa and Reno ended up in a romantic liaison. Whenever asked, Tifa would wink and give a minuscule grin that hid something deliciously naughty and worthy of a XXX-magazine article. Reno, on the other hand, would say point blank, "oh, I could tell you, but bar wench over here would kill me and I'd hate not to get laid anymore." Whatever the exact story, Denzel stuck to Reno like glue because the boy still had no idea what Reno actually did in his past career.

And Tifa made it very clear he didn't need to know.

"Yo, princess," said Reno. "What's with the second pan of brownies? Marlene isn't having that big of a party." Only humans were to be in attendance; Red XIII couldn't get away from his homeland.

She grinned madly. "That's for me later."

"Chocolate binge? That time of the month?"

Denzel cringed. "Ew."

"No, turkey." Yuffie shoved Reno away from Denzel's prying eyes; the boy took a hint and started reading instead. In the kitchen, the ninja stuck a finger to her lips and opened a separate drawer beneath her pantry. "I brought back a little something from Wutai, okay?" she whispered.

The 'little something' was green, in a plastic bag, and normally reserved for patients with eye disorders.

"Dude," Reno said, eyes wide and cigarette barely staying between his lips. "That's some pure stuff right there. You know how much that's worth?"

She smacked him. "I'm aware, stupid. I paid for it." A quick glance assured Denzel still ignored them. "Reeve's been all uptight lately and I need something to relax him."

"So just do what I do when Tifa's all stressed out."

"I'm scared to find out what you and Tifa do together."

"And you should be, babe." His smile was both proud and full of shame.

"Look, I got this from a doctor," she said.

" ...Luis?"

"No!" Another smack. "A traditional Wutaiin doctor. You know, an herbalist."

He nodded. "That's cool."

"Reeve would never take it straight, so I put some in the extra brownies."

"He would'a twenty-years ago."

"Yeah, yeah; I know about his frat days." Yuffie shut the 'secret' pantry drawer. "Luis told me during one of my physicals."

If ever asked, that conversation never happened. Reno grinned like a shark about to bite a dangling leg off the shores of Costa del Sol. "Speaking of doctor Luis and his naughty nurse -"

"Stop right there," said Yuffie. "Those two scare me as much as you and Tifa."

Denzel quietly flipped a page of his graphic novel.

"He finally knocked her up."

Yuffie gasped. "Harmony's having a baby?" At Reno's nod, she began to jump and clap. "Yaaaaay! Reeve owes me ten gil!"

"Yeah, and I'm not gonna ask where you want him to deposit it."

"Gawd, you're a pervert."

"It's why Tifa likes me."

"Ew, shut up."

Denzel closed his graphic novel. "Can we go now?" he asked from the living room.

Reno shrugged, smoothed a few of the wrinkles out from his jacket. "Sure thing. Grab the brownies, princess." Pause. "The non-tainted ones."

**Hours Later...**

There was a real possibility that Yuffie might have grabbed the wrong pan.

Thankfully (and very fortunately), they sat untouched for most of the party because Marlene actually liked _blondies,_ not brownies (for which Yuffie said, "oops, sorry!" and poured herself another shot.). Denzel didn't eat any either because unlike the rest of AVALANCHE, he didn't trust the ninja's cooking. Everyone ate Tifa's vanilla cake with strawberry frosting instead, with a side of crunchy chips on the plate. The poor brownies felt very neglected and ashamed of themselves.

As the evening hours ticked away, Denzel and Marlene left with Barret for the night, waving goodbye and the latter child thanking everybody for their gifts. The remaining adults sat around the coffee table; Tifa on Reno's lap, Yuffie on Reeve's lap, Cloud and Vincent with no one on their laps, and Cid wondering why Shera wanted to remain at home. Alone. Without him. And probably staring hatefully at the swear jar.

Huh...

Cloud cut into the brownies first and that's when the real party started.

"Hey, dingle," said Cid, fighting a cough. "Are you still getting that new motorbike for your delivery ...thing?" He lost horribly, and coughed hard.

Reno grinned. "Even if he did get it, he's gonna need fuel money 'cuz the motorbike is like a boat." He ran his long fingers through Tifa's long hair.

Chocobo-head only barely paid attention. "I know it's a boat. The gas shortage sucks." He stared at the silver toaster in the kitchen. It stared back.

Reeve munched on some cheese crackers. "Who's getting a boat?" Yuffie now sat on the floor between his legs. He didn't mind at all.

"There is no lame-ass gas shortage, man." Cid didn't feel like stringing along his usual obscenities. "Shinra used to own all of that. I heard that there's this guy who built an airship that runs on water. It's got a fiber-cooled glass engine ... _and it runs on water, man!"_

Mister WRO popped another cheese cracker in his mouth. "So, it is a boat?"

The pilot cocked his head. "No, it's an airship. Only ... you put water in the tank instead of fuel." A giggle burst through. "_And it runs on water, man!"_

Reno laughed and laughed hard, throwing his head back and slapping his knee. "I never heard of this airship." Another manic grin. "Hey, Tifa's good for fuel money."

Cloud broke his attention away from the silver toaster. "Reno, you are such a whore." Did the toaster just laugh, too?

"When does the boat get here, whore?" Reeve still munched.

"Tifa, that toaster ..." It stared at the delivery boy, and it was silver.

"I like toast," said Reeve between bites. "Cinnamon toast."

Yuffie gasped. "I know how to make that!"

"It's a silver toaster, guys ..."

Vincent's eyes began to water. "You guys are my friends," he whispered. "You guys are my best friends."

Tifa leaned back against her lover and stroked his hair. "Reno, did you know I have big hands?"

"Oh, I know, baby."

"My hands are huge! I am ... the champ!" She pumped her fists in the air; luckily, she wasn't wearing one of her fighting claws.

Yuffie rested her chin on Reeve's thigh. "Reeve has a huge co -"

_**"YUFFIE!"** _yelled everybody in the room.

She blinked innocently. "I was going to say coat."

Reeve loved cheese crackers. "It is very huge." Munch munch crunch.

"Silver. Toaster." Cloud was too scared to look at anything else. "It's laughing at me."

"I never had friends like you guys before," said Vincent. "You guys are my best friends."

"Shera drinks too much tea." The pilot sniffed and coughed again. "She's hot, though."

"TOASTER! SEPHIROTH IS THE TOASTER!"

Yuffie collapsed in a puddle of giggles when Cloud jumped up and slammed headfirst into the toaster oven. He punched it repeatedly. Vincent jumped to his feet seconds later and hugged Cid. "You guys are my best friends. Ever." After Cid, he hugged Reeve and Yuffie. "I love you guys." Reno and Tifa welcomed the gunslinger with open arms. "I love you guys so much."

"DIE, TOASTER!"

"You know, I love sweets," said Reeve. "But there's something about salty and cheesy."

Tifa giggled, twirled her finger through Reno's locks. "Your hair is really red."

"You and me need a vacation," he said, pretending to bite her nose. "No one else; you and me. On a cross-country tour."

"I'd like a vacation."

"Good, 'cuz I wrote it all down. See?" The turk unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket. "Cross-country tour."

The barmaid could no longer spell. "Uh, isn't there an 'o' in country?"

"Naaaah..."

Reeve didn't want to step in the Yuffie puddle, but he didn't want to put down his packet of cheese crackers either.

**A Few More Hours Later**

Tifa pulled herself out of Reno's iron-grip, sat up with a groan. She looked around in her beloved bar and saw a very unusual sight. Her comrades often spent the night after a get-together, but they normally used the spare rooms and didn't spoon each other on the couch cushions. Vincent especially. When her gaze went to the kitchen, a violent murder scene beheld her.

"What happened to my toaster?!"

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A/N: Drop a review if you don't mind. It's been a long time since I've written for this fandom. ;) Who knows? I might tinker around here again.


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